A Crude Model for the Bond between a Man and a Woman

The relationship between a man and a woman can be reduced to two basic bonds as providers and as lovers (we, obviously, neglect some accuracy in order to obtain simplicity and a better insight).

Being a good provider is being an ally, a financial support, an emotional support, to help in raising children, to clean and cook for your family, etc. Both men and women can be viewed as providers, even in traditional bonds, although what they are expected to provide may vary by gender. The definition of a good provider is mainly cultural; however, in general, a good provider (male or female) is a good teammate in the family team.

Being a good lover is being fit in the Darwinian sense, i.e. having good genes. The attraction to “lover” traits is mainly genetic and innate. Men are mainly attracted to women who have sexy bodies and are able to go through the hardship of labor (which is similar in many cultures). Women are mainly attracted to social status, which definition is more plastic and changes from culture to culture (see Billion Wicked Thoughts and HookingUpSmart). In general, a good male lover has higher status than the female and a good female lover is sexually attractive.

In order to attract a woman for a short and uncommitted sexual bond only high lover ability is required. For long term bonds which include both sexual and committed partnership, both provider and lover virtues are required. The attributes of a lover and a provider are often conflicting and many men thus fail the lover test by trying to be good providers (i.e. nice guys).

A compromise of the two lover/provider qualities is made in every long term committed bond. Some examples of men lover/provider abilities:
1. Having a good prestigious job – Good provider since you can support children and good lover since you have high status.
2. Cheating on your wife – Bad provider since you endanger the family team and a good lover since you are desirable by other women.
3. Attempting and failing to cheat – Bad provider since you endanger the family team and a bad lover since you are not desirable by other women.
4. Woman attempt and fail to make you cheat – Good provider since you hold a social contract and a good lover since you are desirable by other women.
5. Your wife nags you and make you cook/clean – Good provider since you support and sacrifice for the team and a bad lover since you have lower status.
6. You decide to cook/clean – Good provider since you support and sacrifice for the team and a neutral impact on lover ability.
7. You tell your wife to cook/clean and watch TV- Bad provider since you don’t help the family team and a good lover since you have high status.
8. You tell your wife to clean while you cook dinner – Good provider since you help the family team and a good lover since you have high status.

Today, as is evident in declining rates of marriage and the increasing hookup culture, the bond between men and women is getting weaker and weaker and relationships are shorter and less committed. In addition, young women are more financially and socially powerful (young women are more educated than men, making more money then men, better protected by law, etc.) and thus have less need for a provider. Hence, in general, men today should focus more and more on achieving lover qualities, which are more desired by current women and are appropriate to short and less committed bonds common today.

(A note about misogyny: Being a misogynist means that you don’t value women and, in your perspective, they have low status, and thus you see yourself as having higher value, which is an attractive “lover” quality. It is thus not surprising that many players are misogynists, since it helps their game (roosh even explicitly said “just be sexist“). Hence, although a man treating women respectively is a good provider trait, ironically, in the  current SMP men ‘should’ be sexist in order to enhance their lover qualities and would be sexually rewarded for their misogyny. You can see this phenomena occurring in college fraternities.)

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7 Responses to A Crude Model for the Bond between a Man and a Woman

  1. Pingback: So, You Still Want to be a Family Man | A Guide for a Young Patriarch

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  3. Pingback: Femininity is Masochistic, Masculinity is Sadistic

  4. Franklin says:

    This is the typical PUA point of view, and it’s wrong. What women are attracted to depends on their environment. In a feminist environment, women are basically attracted to immoral jerks. The reasonable strategy for a decent man is to marry a woman from a non-feminist country and then carefully control her environment to limit exposure to feminism. This has worked for me for the last 21 years. To understand the evolutionary reasons behind women’s behavior, please read Human Evolution.

  5. Pingback: “Honey, what do you need me to do?” | A Guide for a Young Patriarch

  6. Pingback: Misogynists love women more | A Guide for a Young Patriarch

  7. Croc says:

    Good observation, and summary. What you are highlighting is the delicate balance needed to be struck in order to satisfy the dual sexual strategy of women — tingle inspiring genes from the lover, and steady finances from the provider. And the scale has been decidedly tipped to favor the lover.

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