“Honey, what do you need me to do?”

As mentioned in A Crude Model For the Bond Between a Man and a Woman:

“The relationship between a man and a woman can be reduced to two basic bonds as providers and as lovers…” where “a good provider (male or female) is a good teammate in the family team” and “a good male lover has higher status than the female and a good female lover is sexually attractive.

Generally, doing work in the house, to help in raising children, to clean and cook for your family, etc, are related to a provider bonds. Doing these things can be a good thing and help the bond. However, frame and cultural context can make such works low status and thus anti-lover and hurt attraction.

If you do these provider works, you must control the frame of your behavior so as not to hurt you lover status.

The call “Honey, what do you need me to do?” is the call of the beta.

It signals willingness to follow commands and having lower status compared to your woman. Women sexually despise lower-status men. Do it for a couple of years and you can significantly erode the attraction between you and your wife. She will see you as low-status and unworthy of her sexuality and you will resent her for ‘lowering’ you status.

However, provider behavior is positive and often required to within long-term bonds,  especially in families with small children. In order to ease this conflict, you need to control the frame. As a man you should never be told to do things around the house, however, if you think it is appropriate, you can decide to take charge of part of the house duties (e.g. cooking breakfasts). You can make everybody in the house to clean, have dinner, etc if you think it is required. To be involved and make decisions around the house is not beta. By controlling the frame and leading, not following,  you can do provider  behavior without hurting lover-status. Thereby, helping diffuse the lover/provider conflict which is one of the major issues in LTRs.

(For the new reader, here is a link to the latest draft (pdf, 14/Jun/2012) of the   Guide for a Young Patriarch which is based on the posts made in this blog and attempts to organize them into a consistent message.)

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